I’m trying to keep on top of this blog, but it’s difficult with how crazy things have been, not to mention being very sick the first three weeks of tour, and tour itself. I’m not entirely sure what I was sick with, but it was terrible. Sean and Bob got the same thing, but were treated by doctors for “strep” without testing, and they both turned out fine. I wasn’t treated by a doctor. I had to tough through it with my lack of health insurance. I don’t think it was strep, however. I’m pretty sure what I had was more bronchial than anything. My throat was sore, swollen, and it hurt terribly to swallow. Late nights sweating, coughing throughout the day (it was horrible at night and in the morning, I thought I was dying).
Beginning tour in general proved to be busier than I had anticipated, and being ill didn’t help one bit. Sabo helped immensely and loaned me the money to buy an Ampeg 8×10 Classic Series cab. It sounds AMAZING. But I got it literally the day before tour started, and it took about two weeks of stressing over it to finally get the tones I needed. I love sound, and working with it, but not having the proper time to put into it causes gray hairs to grow on my bald head. It’s chaotic for me. But I eventually got the tones I am looking for and things sound great!
Depression has been coming and going, but I’m working through it. Some nights are worse than others. I’m avoiding alcohol, and haven’t been smoking marijuana much. I’m weaning myself off. My grandma asked me to stay away from the plant, so I am going to. I haven’t been getting exercise due to being sick and winter weather. But I guess walking around everywhere for 5 days at SXSW should count! By exercise I mean exploring, I guess. I did a bit when sick, though I shouldn’t have. My brother lectured me good on that.
My bands’ van broke down a few days ago in Grand Junction, Colorado while on our way from Denver to Boise, Idaho. It sucked, and threw me into one of the deeper depressions I’ve been in. I was miserable, frightened, sad, and numb all at once. There was talk of the tour ending, the band splitting up, going our separate ways- I don’t have a home. I have family in Utah, but nobody I can stay long term with. I could have found work and an apartment, but I would have been more miserable than I felt in that moment. My only option, for me, was to travel. Hitchhike. Visit people, places, and experience moments only vagabonds do. A life I feel I would enjoy for some time, but it was all so soon. I couldn’t fully process the thought. I called my mother and brother for comfort. I wanted to message a former friend, but she and I haven’t talked in months… I hope she is doing well.
I felt like hiking. Escaping into the nearby mountains. Disappearing for a few hours… days… months… however long it took to feel better, or to accept and move forward. I longed to surround myself with nature, rocks, animals, trees, grass, foliage, bugs, “silence.” I yerned to be encapsulated by the smell of pine. To roam nude in the wild. To swim in lakes, bathe in streams, dance in meadows, sing everywhere I ventured. But I couldn’t, obviously. Mountains have always been solitude for me. I just wanted to escape.
After a nights stress, and a short sleep after drinking my woes away, I woke up feeling… better, somehow. I drank water, waited until the guys rose, then Sean delivered news that lifted our spirits: his parents were going to help. We researched out options, found a bus in Denver, and bought the damn thing! I’m already in love. It’s surreal, never in a hundred years did I think this band would buy a bus so early in our years. It runs well, is practically new (the engine was replaced and only has 30k miles on it (48k kilometers for my non-USA friends) and it has bunks already built inside. I’m in love, I’m in love, I’m in love. I wish I could let my friend know about this, she would eat it up! It will take some getting used to, especially because it’s hard for me to believe it’s real, but I am living my dreams one step at a time. It seems that whenever something horrible happens to me in life, something amazing happens in return. Now we just gotta figure out a name for our bus…..
Tour picks back up tomorrow! We unfortunately missed our Treefort Music Festival show with Touche Amore on the 24th, but shit happens. It was a show we were really excited to play. Hopefully we can get back on the roster next year! We are heading to Montana, then east!