I Wish…

Another girl smiles at me. I smile back, though I’m disinterested.
Last night a girl kept looking at me, hovering around me. I said “hi!” and she blushed.
*sigh* She is cute, but I’m not going to waste her time.
I have dreams involving former girlfriends, former crushes, but in them my personal feelings are nothing more than their friend- if that.
Each dream involves you, each time you are there you avoid me… you ignore me… you tell me something that makes me self conscious…. and then in the last minute of my dream, you are there. You are attentive. I am happy. For 1 minute, until I wake up missing you.
It has been months since you decided to focus your time somewhere else, on someone else. We haven’t spoken in weeks. Why can’t I get over you? I feel crazy.
I wish I could be ‘normal’. Flirt with girls, have 1 night stands… but I can’t. That is now how I am. It is not how I love. I love you, and until I am over who you are, over the reasons I so boldly claim I’m “in love” with you…. well, I will have to keep myself distracted. Keep my mind from wandering into the “what could have been,” “if I had done this differently,” and my personal favorite “if I just visited you sooner.”
I wish I could have… I wish, I wish, I wish. Why am I so into you? Why are you so different? Why do YOU stand out to me? I could give a million, plus a million, plus a million reasons why… but what it comes down to: you couldn’t love me the way I wanted you to.
I wish you didn’t have access to this blog… I wish you wouldn’t read my heartbreak stories, my nightmares involving you, the poems I write as therapy. I wish you hadn’t told me your address is changing… Where are you going? Alaska? Brandon? Wherever you are going, I wasn’t going to send the letters. You never seemed to want them anyways.
Right now I am in a coffee shop. The lump in my throat threatens to activate my tear ducts, but I will continue to maintain composure. My thoughts are slowly processing you less, and my day to day more. California is beautiful, I keep seeing wonderful and beautiful things I wish I could share with you… but I can’t.
I don’t know why I am so into you still… I don’t know why I’m this way. I wish I could just forget about you like you seem to have me… to forget about the good… the chemistry… the feelings… the everything. I don’t wish to forget you, but forgetting you is going to happen eventually… just like forgetting me will happen to you. Except for you it is easier, you have someone new. Someone worth forgetting me.

Maybe I shouldn’t publish this.

Maybe I should pretend I’m happy, healthy, and excited about life.

But my joy seems to have disappeared. I am trying to find it again….


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