Stocksmile started tour 2 days ago, beginning with Che Cafe in San Diego, California. The next night (last night) was Redwood Bar in Los Angeles, the same state. I have been sick since the morning after our kickoff show on February 15th in Las Vegas at The Griffin. It started out as a basic sore throat, but gradually became worse. Last night I felt the need to visit a doctor, but I decided to sleep on it. I’m glad I did, because it turned out to be a bad cold. Which, today, I am already feeling better knowing this.
I can’t help but shake this feeling that I need to write the Sun, so I did. I have a letter to her, one sparing my feelings and sticking to the basics: where my life is currently at. I love her, I miss her, but I needed to let her go. She found someone much more suited to what she needs, and I understand now; I am not who she is looking for. This is okay. I feel better having accepted this. But damn, I do miss her.
It was strange, and heartbreaking, to not speak to her the day I left on tour. She was in my life since before the band even needed me. She was my “pen pal” at the time, but when I had my doubts about auditioning, her words stood out to me more than anybody else I spoke to about it. Paraphrasing, of course, since it was over a year and a half ago, “You need to do this! It’s your dream! I don’t know much about you, but I know that this is what you want, what you are on this Earth for. Go audition!” I wish I could remember her words exactly, as I’m sure my paraphrasing is nothing in comparison to the real expression. Her words are the ones that kept my head above the waters of depression and self doubt. I owe her a lot.
A large part of me wonders if I made the right decision on continuing with this band. I feel that I did, but I also know that I sacrificed a lot to be here. I sacrificed a potentially good job, the love of my life, and a lot of other things I don’t want to think about. But I am a musician, it is how I have always been. I need to be here, even if this band fails. I will always pursue music, in one way or another. But I do want to be in love. I knew from a very young age that I probably can’t have both…
Yesterday was good, though! I wandered alone to Ocean Beach Pier, where I found a location called Dog Beach. There were lots of dogs! Later I met one of my best friends and his girlfriend at St. Clemente Beach, where we ran into the ocean. It was his first time being in the ocean, and I’m glad I was with him!! It was an honor, really. I probably shouldn’t have gotten in with only underwear while sick, but oh well! It was fun.
Today I miss my mom. I miss being a teenager. A child. I miss not worrying about the rest of my life, so I am doing what I can each day to progress and make certain I have value in the music industry. I’m going to make sure the bands stage volumes are on point. Last night we played a quiet set, but I could tell it was a lot less sloppy than our live performances. We have great gear, but are currently lazy in making it sound phenomenal. I will be certain to correct this.
I also miss my brother. I miss his smell, his voice, his embrace. I wish to hike with him, journey into the mountains, and escape the depression that he and I share.
But today, I am in Corona, California. Hundreds of miles away from my brother, my mom, anybody. So I will continue to slowly eat this apple, drink this water, and make sure I express my love to the golden retriever in this house that has taken a liking to me. She is sweet, and loves to cuddle. I, also, love to cuddle.