I don’t know quite what to say…
I’m sure you think of me, but you…. I don’t know.
I think you let me walk away.
Even though you begged for me to stay.
But you had to know this would happen.
You had to know giving up and giving him more of a chance than you ever did me
Would push me away.
Why did you beg me to stay?
I get that we are friends. I get that you care.
But I know you don’t understand. If you did, you wouldn’t have tried.
But you tried. At least there is that.
I tried, too. I did. Honest and true.
But I couldn’t handle the pain. I couldn’t, things weren’t the same.
I could tell you about my adventures, my days.
But you stopped telling me about yours long ago.
Instead, you told him.
Occasionally sending pictures of yourself to me,
The ones you knew you looked good in. The ones I know you took to send him.
And those sunsets…. that was our thing.
“Look at this sunset” we would say.
I walked miles, even planning my day,
Just to be sure you got a photo of my sunset, usually in different states.
And then you stopped sending me sunsets…
You started sharing his with all your social media friends…
And I had to pretend I was okay.
I couldn’t even do that.
I would say I’m sorry. I’m sorry for walking away.
But I don’t know if I would mean it.
I can’t be sorry for watching out for me.
Just like I know you are probably not sorry for watching out for yourself.
You wouldn’t have given up on me, and be so excited about him,
If you were sorry.
You are sorry for hurting me, I understand that.
But that is about it.
I hope, hope, hope I don’t change my mind
And that I decide to see you in person before love makes me blind again.
Someone else, someone new, but nobody like you.
I was told, “That’s the point, Jaeg.”
But they don’t get it.
They don’t know you like I do.
I wouldn’t say “I love you” in the way I do
If it wasn’t, weren’t, true.
So tonight I will once again party. Go out, socialize, refuse weed and drink to my delight
(Though probably not a drop tonight)
Because, without the damage that was done,
I wouldn’t be as eager to keep going on.
Life, as confusing as it is, is something I can make great.
I have the power. I have the ability.
This year I hope to meet you…
But a large part of me hopes you aren’t there.
That you have gone.
That you’ve decided to live your life, too.