Today I feel like crying.
I miss talking to the Sun. I miss my fathers embrace. I miss every friend I no longer speak to, or even remember. I miss all these people that I no longer associate with. I miss them so much.
I don’t understand life, why we are alive, why I am alive, or what the purpose of being alive is. I do not understand. It can be overwhelming without a strong mind. This is why I am considering a sober life. Right now I am thinking ha! Good luck with that! But I just… it is difficult to explain. I am useless intoxicated.
I’ve disappointed loved ones, and it makes me sick to my stomach. My mom and several other family members. Ex girlfriends. But most importantly, I’ve been disappointing myself. I can’t express how much time and potential I have wasted behind a joint or glass. I miss feeling normal. I miss feeling sober, fresh, and confident I can pass a drug test if I need to.
Today I am nursing a hangover. Last night, after rationalizing each drink as “letting loose”, I quickly became drunk. Not buzzed, DRUNK. Half a bottle of wine, plus 7 or so shots of vodka, will do that to me. It wasn’t much fun, I knew my slowed motor skills were holding me back from conversation, creativity, and not to mention my stupid drunk texts. Ugh. I shouldn’t have sent those texts. They weren’t bad or anything! They were just dumb, and probably obvious that liquor fueled them. Oh well, the person I sent them to is cool. She may be understanding.
Drinking holds me back, I feel. As much, if not more, than marijuana. Oh, and I took a rationalized hit of weed while staggering drunk last night, too. That was stupid. Being intoxicated restricts me in a lot of ways. I can’t speak when stoned, I am obnoxious when drunk. I am not confident when stoned, I am careless when drunk. I used to think marijuana fueled my creativity (and it did in the beginning), but I realized a few weeks ago that it has, after years of use, dumbed me. On marijuana I am unmotivated, and content with doing nothing throughout my highs. With alcohol I’m just stupid. Weed- over thinking. Alcohol- not thinking enough. I know myself enough now to know I am a much better person overall when sober.
I also know there is a time and a place for everything, such as smoking with friends while camping, or drinking because it’s the weekend and I’m at a party. I will learn if I want to consume what is offered in those moments, but I’m not sure I will… I am heartbroken because of my wasted years being stoned and shit-faced.
So today I go back to my regular drinking habits: water. Today I deny offers of weed. Today I get back on track. It isn’t that big of a deal, I’m not an alcoholic, I just want to be the greatest human being I can be. To me, that includes sobriety.
To anybody reading this post, I encourage you to cut out at least 1 thing that holds you back. For me, it is marijuana and alcohol.