Yesterday, early in the morning, I said my final goodbye to my ex girlfriend… The Sun.
I already miss her, as one usually does… but it is for the best. I think. My heart aches, she meant more to me than anyone ever has. I sent her the following message, and then I blocked her across all social media, hoping by doing so I can mend and move on more efficiently.
“Sun, I have to say goodbye. I am unhappy. Your decision to pursue another guy is too painful. I thought I could remain friends; I can’t. I wish you the best, and always will. -Moon”
Words I didn’t write. Words my brother condensed from the first paragraph of an 8 page goodbye letter I had written and sent to him, and my mom, to read. They are basically my words, just better written than what I could have, or would have, done. I will post the full letter in a few months once this girl and I have had adequate time to recover. Plus she has access to this blog, I don’t want her reading it, thus making goodbye more difficult for her than it has to be.
Oh, how I miss her.
I just woke up from a dream, one where there was a long journey just to see her for 1 brief moment.
I was on a trip, I’m not sure where to, but I was in the back seat of a car. My mom was driving, my brother and sister (from my dads side) and their families were in two different cars. I don’t know who was in the passenger or the back seat next to me, I could assume my brothers from my moms side, but they were there. During this trip I knew I would see Sun, her town was along the way. She knew, too.
Along the way my family had stopped at the top of a beautiful cliff, but when we got out there was someone else that pulled up. He had his girlfriend sit in a chair, then he hit a baseball with a bat towards her. This was disgusting to me (duh) and her best friend said he shouldn’t do that, but she rationalized it. I don’t remember what happened, but I ended up “rescuing” this girl. Something to do with leading her down the cliff to the gorgeous waters below.
After loading back into the car, we drove through Sun’s small town. She gave us basic, but useful directions. “Turn left on _____ road. House number 347. It’s a small, 1 level home.” Easy. It was night by the time we arrived. Late, probably 2 am.
We made the turn, skipping “New Hampshire” and “President’s” streets. Each home was close together, abstractly scattered, and were encapsulated by a wall that was similar to homes in shape- A small cottage like building hidden/ protected by a 2 story country home styled wall and roof. I guess for protection from the elements and wildlife. My mom walked with me to find her house. On the directions it was house number 347, but based of her houses description it was house number 348.
My mom and I were opening the barn style doors of the outer shells of the houses, and she asked if I’ve ever seen a certain animal before (she said a made up name I’ve never heard before). I said no, and saw two massive ox-like creatures with huge horns. I asked her to get behind the doors to be safe, just in case the beast attacked. It didn’t, and she didn’t, plus the doors closed between us. I stepped outside, the beast was gone, no longer on our minds. Then I called the Sun. I was standing outside the house she described (even though it was 2 stories, not 1), but I wanted to be sure I had the right place. Plus, I didn’t know which bedroom window was hers. I imagined waking up her brother, or even worse, her dad, in the dead of night, unexpectedly, and uninformed.
“Hello?” came the tiny, yet more grown up voice of her niece (her niece is younger than what her voice sounded like in this phone call).
“Hey, I’m here!” I replied, not fully realizing it wasn’t Sun. The niece spoke a few words of gibberish, I then I realized who I was talking to.
“Hey, wake up [Sun] and give her the phone,” I spoke clear and calmly, as one usually does to a toddler.
“What’s going on?” came the tired, surprised to be woken up voice of the Sun. My heart felt happy, I’m sure I smiled in real life.
“I’m here, I’m outside!”
I saw the light in her bedroom window was already on. She cautiously peered through the window, looking as beautiful as ever, hastily moving with joy when she saw me, unlocking her window. My heart was happy. She quickly opened the window and sat on the edge. I reached out to catch her, but she dropped before I could prepare myself properly. I laughed because I thought it was pretty comical that she didn’t wait for me to be ready to catch her. The laugh and the jolt from stepping towards her in my attempt to catch her physically woke me up. I tried to fall back to sleep immediately after, to continue this dream that showed me something I’ve wanted for over a year: to finally meet the girl I love. But I didn’t allow myself, even though I may have been able to pick up where the dream had left off. I needed to write this dream down on this blog, I didn’t want to fully forget what happened. My hands made contact with her as she fell, but I woke up before I could discover if I caught her in time. Basic knowledge of human movement suggests I didn’t and she landed on her ass, but I confidently say we would have laughed about it in the dream, I probably would have collapsed into her with tears from laughter, and happiness, and just held her as we sobbed (and laughed).
After forcing myself to turn on my 2007 Macbook, my heart was heavy with sadness. I wonder if I destroyed any chance of actually meeting this amazing person, all because I can’t handle being friends at this moment in time. I want to meet her, and one of my goals this year is to do just that… but how? I cut off ties, smashing her poor heart in the process, I’m sure. I didn’t even wait for her response to the message I stated earlier. I couldn’t. I knew if I waited for her reply, I would reply to her, and I would be back to struggling to not talk to her every waking second. I love talking to her, it was so fluent and true. Easily my favorite thing (outside of writing and performing music). I still, and possibly always will, believe she is “the one.” But she doesn’t believe I am for her, so there isn’t anything I can do- though I did try. I tried, I tried, I tried.
In the end, I just couldn’t handle it anymore. It was too painful. My mind was consumed with how sad I was knowing she was falling in love with someone else. I tried to break the human mold, the one that says exes can’t be friends after a break up. I wanted to forgive and forget about her hurting me, I wanted to feel better about it all, I wanted to have her in my daily life again. But I couldn’t. I can’t. It is so painful that I am teary eyed, a lump in my throat, as I type this. My goals for this coming week, or however long it takes, is to not cry over her. I am tired of crying. I am 24 years old and have cried too many times over a girl I have never met. There is nothing wrong with me, I assume. I am just in love with someone I got to know deeply, personally, and honestly. I took my time falling for her, and I have never loved anybody the way I love her.
I’m going to try to sleep again, snag an extra hour nap before I begin my day. Hopefully this time I dream about eating candy in the mountains with a mountain lion, or something like that. Anything that doesn’t break my heart.