I find myself questioning life since she left, the Sun. Calling each other the Moon and the Sun was one of our things, but now I am afraid to even mention her name. She is beautiful. Kind. Funny. Passionate, goal oriented, sweet, intelligent, everything. She was the main source of my happiness, my comfort, my every day joy. Now that she is gone, I find myself feeling lost. I do not want to feel lost anymore.
I could romanticize this, write another poem about her, but I shouldn’t. Not on this post. I should work on moving on. Being happy for her, supporting her regardless of how I feel. I am trying to do those things and more. I deserve happiness, she does, too. Our happiness not lining up in the way I assume would make me happy hurts right now, but I can find comfort in it. We both can be happy, and we both want to be friends. This is the most difficult thing I have gone through, remaining her friend as she falls, heels over head, for someone else. It is difficult to go through it. It is difficult not having her in my life at all. I don’t know which is more worse, I just know I need to find the middle ground. I need to figure this out.
So let me vent for a moment, I LOVE her. Through and true. I have never known anybody that I not only want the best for, but I want to help them get it done. I want to experience practically my whole life with her. She completes me in many ways. She is stable, works hard, motivates me without having to say much, and loves nature and adventure as much, if not more, than I do. Her eyes are a beautiful brown, chestnut rings with mahogany filling. Her smile, a crooked mess of teeth, has never been more perfect to me. When she is smiling, things are okay. My heart feels warm and light, and it causes me to smile! O, her smile is wonderful and pure!
We had a wonderful 1 year 6 months of talking everyday to each other. I was so full of hope and life, and she was, too. But something began changing in her, maybe stemmed from my jealousy I lose control of at times, or possibly because she knew I couldn’t provide the things she needs to accomplish her dreams, or simply she was no longer sexually attracted to me. She changed her reasons a lot, causing me to be confused. But her latest is she doesn’t feel good enough for me. Whatever the reason, she broke up with me, thus breaking my heart. Then she found someone else within a month later and I just… I couldn’t handle it. I don’t understand. How could she do this to me?
I tried leaving, ditching out on our friendship, but something about the Sun is so vastly different than other women I’ve encountered in my life. Something true, genuine, I’m sure I will get into details on another post. Every time I tried to leave she wouldn’t understand how I could leave, just why I wanted to leave. She says she hates that she is hurting me, and I believe her to a point, but what hurts the most is her trying to keep me in her life as a friend, talking in the same ways we used to… Which I am still painfully attempting.
I am so confused on what to do. But I know two things: Life with her at this moment in time is incredibly painful, a horrible mess. Life without her might be even worse.
I just hope with all my heart, alongside getting back together with her, that I am making the right decision. I decided to no longer speak to her. For now.